Written by Heidi Stafford – 2015
When I decided to come to Nimea Kaya, I was at the end of my rope. I’d been struggling for years to free myself from the mental-emotional clutches of an eating disorder, which was really a symptom of deeper issues and imbalances. While it’d been over a year since my last ‘episode’, I still felt trapped in extremely negative cycles of thought and was terrified of relapsing into the old patterns, particularly if I became too stressed out or otherwise thrown off balance… Even with all the self-work I was doing, with yoga and meditation, I felt I needed help. Beyond the mental-emotional scarring I wanted to work through, my physical body had been in a state of imbalance for a long time.
It’d been 2.5 years since my last menstrual cycle, and I struggled with chronic constipation, to actually digest food properly and maintain my energy levels. I felt disconnected from my own femininity and wanted to connect with Shakti, Divine Feminine Energy. So, when it was time, I heard her call and I knew. I reached out to Jill and Casey at Nimea Kaya, and was booked in within the week.
Upon arrival to the retreat center, just one month later, I felt a curious familiarity… Like I was coming home. That sense of ease and comfort expanded over the next 9 days (which seemed to stretch into months because time expanded so much). The facilitators were immediately present and supportive. They were wonderful guides to each of those in attendance, offering unique perspective and insight into the journey, and helping us to ground as we began the process of raising our vibrations and releasing any heaviness or blocks in our selves. The atmosphere was pure magic- I felt my body actually humming and singing (for real, this isn’t just flowery description) with the energy of the jungle, and knew that this was the place to be. My skin cleared, my hair got softer, and my body became more flexible and agile than ever.
I moved into ceremony with great curiosity and excitement, but I was initially terrified of the purges. I didn’t ever want to have to vomit again. I asked Her in the first ceremony not to make me purge this way… And She listened. I felt Her hold me, and tell me I never had to make myself purge again. And finally… After a lifetime (or more) of gripping and controlling and judging myself- without even realizing that’s what I’d been doing- I felt myself truly begin to surrender. I felt joyful, peaceful and blissful as I never have before.
The purges were laughter and tears, movement and sound. I danced and sang and yelled. In the third ceremony I felt a deep release in the ‘downward flow’ of energy in my body (apana vayu, as it’s known in yoga and ayurveda). This was one of a few major turning points. My digestion and metabolism fired up, and I felt truly able to enjoy nourishing my self on each level- physically, energetically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Before the fourth and final ceremony, I specially requested that I meet with the shamans Diodemero and Rosenda and explained my issue with amenorrhea, asking that when they came to me they focus some of their healing Icaros (chanting songs) on aiding my body in this layer of healing. They did this and more- offering to make me more medicine (not Ayahuasca, but another plant-based remedy) to take home with me after the retreat and take twice daily.
In the fourth ceremony, the purges did involve vomiting. But, by the third ceremony, I had made peace with the beauty of each purge- the releasing of the blockages to the energy flows of the bodies. So I celebrated the purges, and in fact found myself laughing all the more as I hiccuped and burped into the bowl beside me. It was the most intense and powerful experience of the medicine for me. I was supremely blissed out in all four ceremonies. Just completely head over heels in love with life and connecting authentically, with myself and everyone and everything around. Perhaps for the first time in this life, I felt real pleasure, and truly at home.
As directed by the Shamans, I took home more medicine, and waited patiently for my cycle to return. Two months after the retreat, on the new moon in January, literally when I had just one more serving off the shaman’s medicine left to take, my period returned. To say I was overwhelmed with awe, love and gratitude is an understatement.
Beyond this level of physical/sexual healing, I truly deeply reconnected with my body and my self. I realized I had been treating my body, who has been my best friend my whole life, so so badly. The abusive relationship needed to end. And she (Madre Aya) helped me to release the controlling patterns I’d made into my routine for most of my life. I had to forgive myself for being so cruel and abusive. I had to accept myself. Darkness and Light. Wholly and completely.
There is more work and healing to experience, I know. The journey is not one leap, but a continuous process of building into personal integrity and love. Nimea Kaya offered me a container and a catalyst for the transformations I so desperately desired. And even more than I though possible.
I could write for days about the experiences, but I will leave it with this:
I thought I was going to Nimea Kaya to experience physical healing. To attune to feminine energy. And this happened. But what I gained was so much more than what I expected. I felt myself shift in vibration and energetic currents come alive and find their natural flows within and around me. I fell In Love. Felt such deep connections with others as I never thought possible in so short a time. I experienced life-changing music, life-affirming connection to nature.
Found absolute clarity, seeing that where I had already been has always been leading me to this moment, and to where I am going next. Even when I’ve felt myself lost and wandering. Every step has mattered. And so I step forward with deep gratitude and love.
I know I will return to Peru and Nimea Kaya in the future as I continue this process day by day. While I acknowledge that Ayahuasca is a beautiful and powerful teacher, I must note that She is Not the Answer. She merely guides you to your answer. Shines the light on your darkness. And helps you make peace. She let’s you know it’s okay and, in fact, perfect to fall in love with your ‘imperfect’ and complete self. Just Be.
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